The Humor Page
Billcat


What is the difference between snowmen and snow women?
Snowballs.

A Little Kiss

FOUR strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.

One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"


A Hasidic Jew walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Hasidic Jew replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"


A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Getting out of the truck, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."



A mother had three daughters and at their weddings she asked each one of them to phone home the day after and subtly indicate about their respective husbandís sexual performance.

The first one said, "It was like Maxwell Coffee".
The Mother was confused until she later noticed a Maxwell Coffee ad which said: "SATISFACTION TO THE LAST DROP..."

Then the second daughter got married and phoned home and whispered, "Rothmans".
So the Mother looks for a Rothmans ad, and it said, "LIVE LIFE, KING SIZE". And the mother was pleased.

Then it was the third oneís wedding.
After a week she phoned but could only mumble, "BRITISH AIRWAYS".
The mother frantically went through the newspaper looking for a British Airways ad. "Oh-my-god!" she cried."FOUR TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS".


If Microsoft Made Cars...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles per gallon." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damm money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... ...that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

 

At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.

Israeli Consul: "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you... When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and prairies, and even more deserts... The people became thirsty and needed water. So Moses struck the side of mountain with his cane and at the sight of that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content. Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters of the pond. Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes have been stolen... And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes..."

Yassir Arafat jumps out of his seat and screams: "This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at the time..."

Israeli Consul: "And with that in mind, let me begin my speech..."

Did you choose wisely?

One day while walking down the street a managing director in a consulting firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a managing director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the managing director in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of Hell. When the doors opened, much to her surprise, the woman found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her old friends - including lawyers that she had worked with who had passed away - and they were all dressed in tuxedoes and evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and greeted her warmly, and they talked about old times. After an excellent round of golf, they went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, her day was over and it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator back up to Heaven. The elevator slowly rose, and eventually opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. It was very soothing and peaceful, and she had a great time. Before she knew it, her 24 hours were up. St. Peter came and got her and said, "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity." The woman paused for a Second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

St. Peter escorted the managing director back to the elevator and again she descended to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in filth. Her friends were burning in towers of flame, as demons prodded them with pitchforks. The Devil came up to her and welcomed her back. "I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of filth, and all my old friends are miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're an associate."

 


Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are...

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 5 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the circle of paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.


A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.
President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read:

Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
Love,
Tommy

A journalist was assigned to the Jerusalem bureau of his newspaper...
He got an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. After several weeks he realized that whenever he looked at the wall he saw an old Jewish man praying vigorously.
The journalist wondered whether there was a publishable story here.
He went down to the wall, introduced himself and said: "You come to the wall every day. What are you praying for?"
The old man replied: "What am I praying for? In the morning I pray for world peace, then I pray for the brotherhood of man.
I go home, have a glass of tea, and I come back to the wall to pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist was taken by the old man's sincerity and persistence.
"You mean you have been coming to the wall to pray every day for these things?"
The old man nods. "How long have you been coming to the wall to pray for these things?"
The old man became reflective and then replied: "How long? Maybe twenty, twenty-five years."
The amazed journalist finally asked: "How does it feel to come and pray every day for over 20 years for these things?"
"How does it feel?" the old man replied. "It feels like I'm talking to a wall."

A retiring Phys Chem professor was setting his last exam, for a graduate course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit bored with it all, and with a well kept and wry sense of humor, he set a single question on the sheet:

Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with a proof. He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a reasonable and consistent reply to his query. One A was awarded.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. The top student however, wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into Hell, and at what rate are souls leaving?

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people, and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

There are two possible conditions.

One, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase exponentially until all hell breaks loose.

Conversely, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over, condition two.

We can solve this with the 1990 postulation of Theresa LeClair, the girl who lived across the hall from me in first year residence. Since I have still not been successful in obtaining sexual relations with her, condition two above has not been met, and thus it can be concluded that condition one is true, and hell is exothermic.

"Justification for higher education"....

In answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?", I submit the following:

Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game:
$10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.
Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!
Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike).
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed' $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it?
BUT: JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.

Here's a true story!

Here's a great candidate for the next Darwin Awards, you know, wherein an individual or group of individuals comes up with a really creative way to kill, or nearly kill, themselves... This story is courtesy of the Lewis & Floorwax Show on 103.5 FM, "The Fox" Radio in Denver.

Michigan, USA -- This guy buys brand new Grand Cherokee for thirty-something thousand dollars and has 400+ dollar monthly payments. He immediately gets a hold of his friend and they go out to do some male bonding, taking along the pet dog. They decide to go duck hunting, and, of course, it being mid-winter, all the lakes are frozen. These two nuclear physicists go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer, and, of course, the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice, and get ready. Now, first, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Remember, it's all ice, and, in order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck wants to fly down and land on, it's going to take a little more effort than a little old ice hole drill.

Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40 second fuse. Now these 2 Rocket Scientists *do* manage to take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) are, they run the risk of slipping on the ice when they run to get away from the relatively short-burning fuse, and possibly even, going up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light this 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and *THE DOG*? Yes... *the dog*. A highly trained Black Lab, wouldn't you know, used for retrieving, *especially* the retrieving of things thrown by the owner. You guessed it... the dog takes off at maximum doggy speed on the ice and gets to the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse when it hits the ice, all to the dismay of our two geniuses, who by now are yelling, stomping, waving their arms and wondering what the hell to do. The dog? Well it is quite happy with its accomplishment, and heads right back from where it came from moments before, with the stick of dynamite, only to the mounting incredulity of our two duck hunting experts, who by now are *really* waving their arms, yelling even louder and jumping to greater heights than ever before. Now one of our professors decides to think, something that he has not bothered to do before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the poor dog. The shotgun, unfortunately, is loaded with #8 duck shot, which is hardly enough to stop our Black Lab on its delivery mission. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused and bounds on. Another shot rings out, and *this time*, the dog, still standing, becomes *really* confused & scared, thinking these 2 Nobel Prize candidates have gone insane. So now the poor Lab decides to find cover, with the now really short fuse burning on this stick of dynamite. The cover the dogs finds? well, it's a big patch of open ice, so what else could there be, but... underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee, of course... It chooses to lick its wounds beneath the thirty-something thousand dollar 400+ monthly payment vehicle sitting on the lake ice, along with, of course, the stick of dynamite. BOOM! The poor dog dies, and its splattered carcass, and the brand new Grand Cherokee -- the thirty-something thousand dollar 400+ monthly payment vehicle -- sink to the bottom of the lake leaving our two candidates for Masters of the Universe standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company which, of course tells him that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.

He had yet to make the first of those 400+ a month payments...

This panda walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a sandwich and a cup of coffee. The panda sits there for a while, munching on the sandwich, enjoying the double latté, thoughtfully skimming through a newspaper. When the panda finishes up, the waiter comes to the table with the check in hand. PandaThe panda calmly pulls out a revolver and empties it into the waiter, dropping him dead on the spot. As the panda nonchalantly heads for the door, the manager of the bar rushes up and says, "Hey! Who the heck do you think you are? You can't do that!". The panda glibly replies, "Of course I can, I'm a panda. Look it up in the dictionary." After the shocked manager watched the panda leave the bar, he dashed to the back office and flipped through his Webster's and sees the following: "Panda. A bear-like mammal with distinctive black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves."

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

FrogThey go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me. "He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."



Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as Mother-In-law 55.8 and Brother-In-Law Beta release. As a consequence system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0:

A "Don't remind me again" button; Minimize button; An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources;

An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to have greater use.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another annoying problem -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

***** BUG WARNING *****

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before executing a self-uninstallation. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources.

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?" "A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here." Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire.

Moses, Jesus and some old guy are playing golf together. They come to a par three with a beautiful lake guarding the green. Moses tees up and smacks one right into the lake. He raises his arms, parts the lake, finds his ball and hits it onto the green. Jesus tees off next and hits it into the lake. He walks across the water, his ball floats up to the surface of the lake, and he hits it onto the green. Next up is the old geezer. Smacks his ball right towards the lake, but as its going in, a fish jumps up and snags the ball just as a pelican swoops down and snags the fish. A bolt of lightning hits the pelican who drops the fish onto the green and the ball falls into the hole. Jesus looks over at the old man and says "Bloody hell, Dad, can't you play golf like everyone else?"

A magician was working in the lounge on a cruise ship, and every night, the captain of the ship would come in with his pet parrot and watch the act. The parrot seemed particularly fascinated by the magician's tricks and started watching them very closely. ParrotOne night the magician took the stage and announced, "Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I will saw this lovely woman in half right before your eyes!" "*Craaawk!*", said the parrot, "It's a fake! *whistle* he's got fake legs coming out the other side of the box!" The crowd roared, and the magician was less than amused. "OK then, I will do a different trick", announced the magician, "Pick a card, madam, and I will tell you which card you have chosen." "*Craaawk*! They're all the same cards!" answered the parrot! This heckling continued for several weeks, and was completely ruining the magician's act, and needless to say, the magician grew to hate this bird, but he couldn't harm it, since it was the captain's pet. One night after a particularly bad show, the magician was walking on the upper deck of the ship when a huge explosion ripped through the bottom decks of the ship. The magician jumped into a lifeboat and dropped to safety. As he watched the ship sink, the captain's parrot flew out from the ship and landed in his lifeboat. Several days passed without a word between the magician and the parrot, the magician just glared at the bird, and the bird just kept looking in the direction of the sunken ship. Finally, the parrot broke down... "*Craaawk!* OK, Mate! What did you do with the ship!!??"

SnakeTwo friends go on a hike in the desert and one of them gets bitten on the dick by a poisonous snake. He asks his friend to go back to the nearest town and ask the local doctor to help him. The friend runs down to the local doctor and tells him his friend was bitten by a poisonous snake. The doctor tells the friend to suck the poison out. The friend returns to the guy who was bitten.
"So what did the Doctor say?"
"You're going to die."

Three samurai meet to decide which among them is the greatest swordsman. The judge approached the first samurai and opened a small box. Out flew a fly. The samurai's sword flashed through the air and the fly fell to the ground, neatly sliced in half. "Very impressive," said the judge. Now the judge came to the second samurai and again opened a small box. The samurai's sword flashed twice and the fly fell neatly cut into four parts. "Superb," exclaimed the judge! Finally it was the third samurai's turn. The judge opened a third small box and a third fly buzzed out. The samurai's sword flashed through the air and the fly continued to buzz away. The third samurai put up his sword with a satisfied grin on his face. "But the fly still lives," observed the judge. "True," replied the samurai, " But he will never reproduce again!"

Bill rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!" She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming - That was me!"

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven (come on folks it's a joke, you have to make some assumptions). St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day. When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, "We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told." Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln had only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked "Where is Bills' clock"? St. Peter replied, "Jesus has it in his office...He is using it as a ceiling fan".

Whenever I get a package of plain M&M's, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser", and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&M's are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&M's as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M & M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, along with a 3 x 5 card reading, "Please use this M & M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free half pound bag of plain M&M's. I consider this "grant money". I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

I think it is now my duty to continue the M&Ms race...

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?

"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

 

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